Toilet Humor
September 27, 2001

I try to shy away from poop and fart jokes, I think they are the lowest form of comedy. Now don't get me wrong, poop and fart jokes are still funny, I just feel that they are EASY laughs, not unlike slapstick. Face it...people falling down and jokes about poop are funny. People falling down in poop is even funnier. I don't normally lower myself to poop and fart jokes, but I'm also a habitual liar.

That's my wonderful disclaimer...now onto my story.

I had an episode in a public bathroom tonight. I don't mean an 'episode' like George Michael had, I mean I had a conflict with a toilet. You see, it was one of those new type toilets that have an infrared sensor to automatically flush when the user has finished "dropping the kids off at the pool." These things are great, but I fail to see the point, really. I mean 99.9999% of all upstanding citizens will use their foot to flush the toilet anyway, so what good is this device? Those commercial toilets are already superior to our home toilets, why fuck with a great thing? Those commercial toilets take anything you can dish out and they do it all in once great big "fla-WOOOOOSH...gurggle." I wish I had one of those in my house...I'd be happy shittin' bastard then.

Anyway, back to my episode. I'll walk you through my experience. So there I am, dropping a nuke...minding my business. Wiping, cause it's the polite thing to do. (I hate that toilet paper that feels like it should be in a belt sander, and not wiping my ass. I just dropped $30 on dinner for 2, the least they can do is give me some Charmin to clean my anus...cheap bitches.) Ok, done wiping with the sandpaper they provided, pull up my drawers, check to see if I accidentally shit on the back of my shirt, then reach for the flush handle. Damn, no handle...it's one of those. The toilet flushes as soon as I begin to step away. The shitter fla-WOOSHes, gurgles, stirs, and then settles. Ugh! There's still about three or four dozen turdlets swarming around in the bowl, it's looks Poo Chowder. Itty Bitty chunks of stool spinning in their own natural juices, it's totally gross. Ok, so I'm not a total prick...I don't want to leave this for the next guy to see. We guys must stick together...I'd never shit on my fellow man! Maybe if I knew that the next guy who was going to use the stall was Jesse Jackson or Pat Robertson, I'd leave the toilet as is, but I can't be sure who will use it.

Ok, what to do in this situation? I know from past experience that some of these type shitters have a little black button behind the infrared sensor that will manually flush in case something like this happens, so I looked for a button and found nothing. (As an aside here, if they put the goddamn buttons on the infrared flushers, how is that any different than the metal handle flushers we are used to? This goes back to what I was saying before...why fuck with a great thing?) Grand, now I've just touched a public toilet and I feel icky. Suppressing my gag reflex I try sitting back down on the seat, figuring that the sensor would detect my large ass and then flush again...no dice. I guess I didn't sit long enough, now I've just touched a toilet and I sat on a public seat with my pants up. I'm feeling real hygienic right about now. I waved my hand in front of the sensor, I held my finger over the sensor, I even kicked the sensor...nothing worked.

So I left, after I thoroughly washed my hands of course. There wasn't much I could do. I had just destroyed a public restroom, I wasn't about to hang around and take the blame. I told Lorina about the whole ordeal and she was laughing so hard she was wheezing and coughing. So if you are in a Red Lobster and you go to take a crap...don't use the handicapped stall. Chances are I was just in there and I fucked it up for everyone.