Fritzmas
December 17, 2001

Since it’s that time of year…I thought I’d remind everyone of The Greatest Story Ever Told, the story of Fritzmas and the birth of baby Fritz. If you are like me…you are probably miserable from all the goddamned jingling bells, blinking lights, and fucking Bing Crosby songs. Maybe this will change your mood, sourpuss.

I know you’re gonna dig this.

Fritzmas is the celebration of me and all things that I like. It's also a holiday in remembrance of the Great October Fritz Revolution of 1998. During the FOUR MONTH LONG celebration of Fritzmas, Fritzians (that would be you lot) are often seen keeping warm by drinking alcohol, eating too much, and engaging in wild monkey love. The whole celebration breaks down like this:

October: Fritzmas begins. Eat, drink, and be merry. October is a time of reflection. Remember back to the past New Year and complain about all the resolutions you gave up on, complain about your in-laws, and complain about the fucking paperboy who can’t hit your porch… even though the motherfucker pitches for the local high school. Think back to the Great October Fritz Revolution of 1998 and mourn the loss of life. (No one died, per se, but I wasted 2.5 years of my young life with a chain-smoking country music fan. It was WORSE than dying!) Also, at the end of October, you can dress up as a little kid and other Fritzians will give you candy. Eat the candy. Be sure to brush. And floss. Throw away the gum, it's probably stale. If anyone gives out money, change costumes and go back a couple times.

November: Fritzmas is picking up now. Shopping for Fritzmas presents usually begins (I need some socks and some boxer-briefs. My favorite color is blue. My favorite currency is the $50 bill, US) and toward the end of the month we all gather around and consume too much food, while giving thanks that Fritz is still alive and kicking. Give thanks that Fritz has brought you all together for such a wonderful time of year. Continue to complain about your in-laws.

December: Fritzmas is in full swing now. By now, if you are in good favor with Fritz, it's snowing in your area. So in praise of Fritz...DON'T shovel your sidewalks. It's much safer to let your neighbor do it for you. Save your back for more important things...like shagging your spouse. Continue shagging your spouse (or yourself, whichever your prefer) for the rest of the month, but don't forget about the shopping! At the end of December, exchange some of the Fritzmas gifts you bought...but not all! You have to save some for Fritzmas day, which is in...

January: Yay! Finally, Fritzmas can come to a close. At the beginning of January, if you are like most folk, you’ll be rolling over in bed and seeing someone you’ve never seen before…and probably don’t want to see ever again. (It’s funny how beer makes people pretty.) On the 20th, Fritzmas Eve, go ahead and exchange the rest of your Fritzmas gifts.

The story of Fritzmas Eve is a wonderful tale. Peggy, that would be Fritz's mom, couldn't find a room at the inn, so they continued on into the dark night. Suddenly, Fritz, uh that's Fritz's father, asked the group of followers, "Hey...why don't we go to a goddamn hospital and have this baby like normal goddamn people? And why the hell are you people on camels following us, don’t you have jobs or something? Who's going to clean up all this camel spit?!" Then, in the wee hours of the 21st, Peggy's Baby was spawned, in a hospital...like normal goddamn people.

The 21st of January is officially Fritzmas day and the celebration comes to an orgasmic end...hopefully. Enjoy the new year that Fritz has provided you, hug your neighbor and goose your neighbor's wife. Continue eating, drinking, and being merry and live your life like Fritz is watching you…in the shower.

I need therapy.