The Jimmy Buffet Story
September 1999

This won't be a rant about other stupid people, this is me ranting about my-stupid-self. We all have faults...most people don't want to admit it, but they do. I can admit it, I'm not to proud to admit I have faults. Today, we talk about my alcoholism.

What is it about alcohol that I love so much? I just can't figure out why I like it and why I can't seem to stay away from it. I went to my first Jimmy Buffet concert last week and I think I was hung over for 4 solid days. The guys I went to the concert with are telling me all these stories about the things I did at the concert and I don't remember any of it. At some point, some ugly chicks (or maybe they were guys) gave me some Mardi Gras beads, but I apparently I gave them away later on. I don't recall. How about we do a list? A list of thing I don't recall from the Buffet concert. I don't remember...

1) Falling off Stephen's tailgate into the mud, then rolling around like a turtle on my back.
2) Giving away my beads. (I'm still pissed about that! Isn't it a rule that you must see boobs before you give up the beads?!)
3) Going in the concert. I remember arriving at the parking lot and drinking for 2 hours, but I don't recall going into the concert itself.
4) Taking my shoes off. They wouldn't let me in the concert without shoes! (Big ups to Tony for getting my shoes! Love you man!)
5) When it started to rain. It rained like a big fuzzy biotch! At one point I thought we were going to be flooded! It was cool.
6) Why I let Tony talk me onto pissing myself. (No letters on that, please!)
7) A bunch of chicks drinking the alcohol I brought! SHIT! If hookers are gonna drink my hooch, I want something in return!
8) What the Air Force chicks name was. She was cute. I tried flirting with her, but I was SO damn drunk she probably thought I was speaking Mandarin Chinese or something.
9) Why in the hell I was dancing in the rain with Tony! My father would have shat in his pants if he saw me dancing with a guy! Not to mention TONY!
10) Where all those girls came from when I was dancing with Tony. They were very cute!
11) The songs Buffet played. I hear he puts on a great show. Sure wish I could have been there to see it.
12) How much I drank. I only recall my first drink: a 12 oz Coke can, filled with rum & no coke. I remember none of the ones after that.
13) Why in hell I went out to a bar afterwards. I was already drunk as hell, what the hell was I doing at a bar?
14) Who's fucking brilliant idea it was to go dancing after we went to the bar. I don't dance...it's a rule. I was dancing THAT night, though.
15) Who in the hell passed me that cigar and why in the hell I was smoking it!
16) Where I got that bumper sticker from and how it ended up in my back pocket. I'm hoping a chick put it there and was feeling up my ass! I doubt it though.

I mean, damnit! There are times when I black out and I have no idea what the hell I am doing. For all I know I could be running around, naked, with my thumb up my butt screaming, "Look at me! I'm digging for gold!" I'm actually seriously concerned that I might go running off at the mouth at some big dude and he beats the shit out of me. I just don't want to get all drunk, black out, and then start telling people what I think of them. Like telling Tony he's a flaming homo, telling Stephen he's a dumb pollock, and calling Mikey a fat bastard. Hey...the truth hurts! (I love you guys!)

I'm not going to get into the moral aspect of drinking and the effects on yer body...yada yada yada. I'm not gonna beat a dead horse. All I'm saying is I tend to drink myself stupid. I drink until I black out, and then I drink some more. No one is there to monitor me, except me...and I'm irresponsible! I can't be left alone with important stuff...like babies, or dishes, or laundry, or alcohol. I'm 25, but I haven't grown out of my teens yet, I guess. I have to blame all this on old age. The older I get, the less I can hang with the boys. I still drink like I'm 17 years old. Back then I was doing straight Vodka, Rum, Gin, Zima, and anything else I could get my hands on. Often times I'd mix in a few pain killers, just for added effect. (Note: Kids, don't try this at home! Painkillers and alcohol don't mix. This should only be attempted by professional junkies.) Now that I'm an old bastard, I can't party like that anymore....but you can't tell me that DURING the party! It's not until it's too late that I realize that I'm old and can't drink like I did back in the day.

"Yeah yeah yeah...whatever. Get to the point!" you say? Well...the point is: Ah shit...I forgot what the point is! All I know is that I drink, I get drunk, I pass out/black out. What happens after I black out is a mystery. It's a wonder I'm not dead after some of these parties I've been to. For example, I've awakened: with my head in a toilet, hanging off a 3rd floor balcony, driving my car (yeah, I know!), in bed with chicks I never met, in bed with my best friend and his girlfriend, face down on a pier in the rain, face up on a porch in the dead of winter, and in MY bed with no idea how I got there!

I'm not happy with the results of all this drinking, but the feeling I get from the alcohol offsets that. Anyway, I just thought I'd share this with everyone since I PROMISED myself, and everyone else, I wasn't going to drink this holiday weekend...and I did anyway.

A real rant will be coming soon...check back here soon.

Love and Rockets,

Fritz